Friday, December 11, 2015

100 Percent of the shots

If it's true that you miss all the shots you don't take, would it also be valid to say that you hit all the shots you do take?

It's another year's end, mid-December.
Consciously numb for a large chunk, and I told myself I would kick out of it by the year's end.
Well, the year is over. What's my formula for regaining my drive?
How much travel, food, literature and naps do I need for a balanced equation?

I dare ask myself: what keeps you running? What ignites my flame?
And then without looking too far, I find it, where I had expressed myself in an older post. All I had to do was search my blog for an era where I was spirited and could clearly articulate what that was. One was literature. And it shook me to see that it was in February of 2013.

... Source your own life from its presence.
... What sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
... Be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I am human, an emotional being, and no human emotion is too alien to me.
The thing with feelings is that you can't unfeel them. You can try to mask them but you might have to rethink that if staying true to yourself has any value to you. Like it does me.

Of disappointing myself and conforming. Where I have claimed to be numb. I have felt but probably refused to acknowledge.

At work with my day job

On the contrary, I've been a social butterfly at work. And I have had some exciting emotions this year that moved me to tears.
At GHC, when I realized how much responsibility rested on my shoulders.
And when I moved into my own apartment.

I worried a lot about some things I hoped I had control over - like buying my car
Excitement - when I had to travel - even though it was for work
Confusion - when two of your friends asked you to date them a day apart. Some boys are sharp guys, and recently one skillfully broke out of the friend zone. Impressive, but it's never about them - what they did, or how they did it. It's about me. How I feel vs. what I know.

Pay attention to what I want and need, live without fear, and keep reaching for my best life.
I am a single choice away from a life defining moment.

Having said all this, I haven't done any real travel. You know, the 'pointless' travel, where you travel for the sake of travel. The last trips I made were for work and missed the real elements  - of exploration. I typically tried to squeeze that into other purposeful trips, but it's about time I took a 'just because one' and I'm thinking Europe.

The more I spend time with myself, the more I realize that I'm no fake. 
My habits and outlook may have changed, but I am essentially the same person - evolving. My thoughts complement each other. My life has been moving in one direction even if I can't place a finger on a specific place. 

I remember to pace myself but not in competition because I don't know what other people's journeys or life purposes are. I remember to keep probing myself to move in the direction of fulfillment, enlightenment, impact. That's what my life is about.
It may not work out, but never for a lack of enthusiasm.

 "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

— Neil Gaiman

Happy to say I took a chance, and I kissed someone who thinks I'm amazing. I am amazing, I know me, but I only know me. How do I know they are for real? When do you trust them? Why?

Best days that come to the top of my head:
Good Friday, Graduation.

This year, my favorite book was: How Children Succeed, by Paul Tough. Favorite article was Conscientiousness, in Time magazine.
Grateful for income streams and corporate jobs but paychecks brought an initial feel of gratitude, relief and happiness, which was fleeting and gradually routine.

Spikes: If I looked back at some sort of event graph, some things that made me happy were: Contribution, mentorship, participation, rewards, adventure, relevance, appreciation, completion, progress, acknowledgment, recognition, growth, recommendation.

The year has been outstanding but if fulfillment is by any means an indicator of success, I know I'm not there yet.

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