“And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far into the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...”
Have you ever challenged your beliefs?
Let that simmer.
I recently went off on a mental trail about a belief system, or ideology that I have, or was supposed to have had, and I started to question it. What was it about? Did I really believe (in) it and why? Why did I accept it? How did it make its way to my system? Did I really (have to) accept it? In whose best interest is it?
Once the questioning started, it would find me time and again in my truly quiet moments, especially in the shower, I noticed, keeping me there longer than usual. I didn't want to "research" it without first searching my soul. Walking that trail was uncomfortable and at the same time liberating. Like all firsts, pondering the subject made me feel like I was touching a sacred area. Like walking in the dark, holding a flashlight in the pitch black, while gently tapping the wall, feeling for any, even the slightest trace of familiarity. Crazy how you think you know yourself ... until you do.
Spending time in that space definitely kindled something in me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the dots have been there all along, just waiting (for me) to connect. I am not ready to take full ownership of it, and I still am not, which explains why I've said a lot in this post without saying a lot. I am however starting to feel comfortable enough to get the spark out of my head and into my conversations.
I casually brought it up with one of my friends. She reacted in shock. "Vicki! Why?!" I calmed her down and gave her a base. At the end she said she'd never thought about it that way. "Well, I see your point. It kind of makes sense."
It was a different ball game with friend two, clearly personal, and his defenses went through the roof. Again, like I did with my other friend I provided a base to explain my thinking. Dude wasn't having it. I asked him for a base to support his stand, and he spat something that didn't quite add up. I poked his responses and held them beside mine. It seemed like my position scared him, even though he refused to admit. I thought it was hilarious, seeing instances of how people reacted when their worlds were rocked.
If finding yourself makes you appear to be 'lost' to others, what would you do? And I'm talking of things that really shake or shape your core, making choices, decisions that just might very well change the trajectory of your life. I gave it some more thought, and then went online to find varied perspectives. And then, I realized I had a couple kindred spirits out there.
Maybe I just want to be bold enough to enjoy the fulfillment of finding my own truth even though I have to rock the status quo this one time. I'll be honest I'm quite hesitant to make a final decision, like I said before, but for now, my mind and I are staying open.